Here I am: 12 years+ after emergency BRAIN TUMOUR SURGERY that huffed and puffed and blew my life down, leaving me to re-frame/rebuild my life. I don’t want to tell my story again but you can find here (on the front page) and my book.

Admittedly, I’m starting this “blAh blAh Blog” with my head tilted down a bit in shame, almost wishing I could hide sharing this diary, fearing will be this yet another addition of potential useless information and self-serving talking into the wind.

NOBODY GIVES A RATS ABOUT YOUR BLOG, RIGHT?

But then… I realized starting my outward-bound thoughts, gramarickly cracked ramblings, has a purpose: If this does not touch you in the ‘feels’, this will actually help ME digest this sometimes uphill battle of long term radiation effects, countless daily ‘confused punishment”,  from the cognizant ignorant or even worse, the good intentioned beasts. Apologies for the run on sentences- don’t say I didn’t want you!

It took months to learn how to walk again after surgery (2011), as my balance was dramatically affected. I remember the first time I went out for a walk on my own- it took all the guts I had to walk around the block.

How can I explain the feeling?  I felt like I was trying to walk across a waist-deep pool on my tippy toes, but no water to catch me if I fell. I remember thinking I should close my mouth tightly in case I fall and bite my tongue. I know I would’ve won a Zombie Walk-off NO problem!

I digress…. in the distance, a woman also out for a walk was approaching. Her eyes seemed to squint even more when closer with staring at me. And there it was: as she passed me: no words, just a dirty look… that…. destroyed me.

At first I was confused and then realized Oh, maybe she thought I was drunk and not disabled?

Intentions don’t matter when it comes to feelings.

… and that is when I coined ‘Confused Punishment’ was born.

Here I was accomplishing a MAJOR milestone in my recovery, to be judged by someone when was at my most vulnerable. Surely if they knew the truth they’d be ashamed of themselves. 

Now, my go-to joke is that I might as well take up day drinking as a hobby!

The sobering truth is I barely drink anymore- the long term radiation effects have my balance affected permanently- surely a blessing in disguise.

Years later I STILL walk with a limp… no… a SWAGGER. Now settled in a small town, the stares are back again- in fact, you wouldn’t believe how many people CROSS THE STREET to walk by me! AND I still get dirty looks! Gaaahhhh!

This image shows one of the bags I wear around town now. I designed and printed off this iron-on patch. Want one? Maybe I could just email you the design.

TIP: MANAGE EXPECTATIONS. ‘Confused Punishment’ will forever be present- it’s up to you how you deal with it. You can break down every time it happens, you can advocate, you can joke, you can ignore, you can you can you can.

xo Melissa of InspiringToAspire.com